When Things Shift: How to Communicate Through Relationship Crossroads

I’m a divorce coach, writer, and co-founder of Family Flow. We support women navigating the emotional and practical terrain of midlife relationship shifts, especially when children are involved.

Somewhere between coordinating school pickups, replying to work emails, checking homework, planning meals, buying birthday gifts, and collapsing into bed at night, it hits us:

"This isn't what I imagined." "I just don’t think I can do this anymore."

It’s not always one big betrayal that wakes us up. Sometimes it’s the thousand tiny ways we’ve become invisible - even to ourselves.

We know, because we’ve lived it too.
The slow erosion.
The quiet discomfort.
The brave, terrifying moment when we wonder if we’re allowed to want better. (And if we can say it out loud.)

You’re not imagining it. You’re not too sensitive. You’re not alone.

Because exhaustion and disconnect eventually bring clarity.
Because carrying the invisible weight - the lists, the plans, the worries, the "have you remembered... eventually demands a shift. A turning point.

It’s no wonder that somewhere in midlife, many of us stand up and quietly, bravely, say:

"I’m not ok with this."

We’ve been there.We know what it’s like to carry not just the schedules and the shopping lists, but the hope for the whole relationship. To carry the peacekeeping, the emotional labour, the endless attempts to fix, soothe, rescue. To believe that if we just tried harder, loved better, stayed quieter, it would finally feel safe, seen, easy.

Until the weight became unbearable. And we realised it was never ours to carry in the first place.

For some of us, that shift leads to big decisions about our relationship.
For others, it starts with smaller steps - reading Fair Play, listening to a podcast, or simply whispering to ourselves, “This isn’t working.” Whatever the size of the step, it matters.

When things started to shift inside me, the outside eventually had to catch up.
I remember dreading those conversations, journalling endlessly about how I wanted to say things in the kindest, but most boundaried way. It felt so important to get it right, not just because I feared conflict, but because I wasn’t even sure how to use my voice.

If you’ve been in that place, and many of us have, we get it. We want to share what we’ve learned and what Family Flow now walk through with our clients, one honest step at a time.

And the first step in any of this? Staying close to ourselves.

• Around 42% of marriages in the UK end in divorce, mine included (and Liz’s, the other co-founder of Family Flow).
  One of the fastest-growing groups seeking divorce is couples aged 45–55.
  Even more striking: in around 63% of cases, it’s women who initiate divorce. (And in the U.S., it’s closer to 69%.)

Many of us describe it like this "I realised I couldn't tolerate what I had tolerated for years."

Perimenopause strips away our coping strategies. Yet it also sharpens our instincts. And it refuses to let us look away.

And so begins a paradox:

• We feel utterly depleted after years of emotional labour, caregiving, and mental load.
• And we feel powerful - stronger, clearer, and far less willing to keep settling.
  

This isn’t collapse. This is becoming.

One powerful tool is the use of "I" statements. These are phrases that express our own feelings and needs, rather than assigning blame, even when we know the blame doesn’t lie with us.
Instead of saying, “You never support me,” we might say, “I’ve been feeling unsupported lately, and it’s starting to take a toll on me.”

Why does this matter?

Because "I" statements reduce defensiveness. They shift the tone from accusation to connection.
They help us speak with clarity and self-respect, not softness or passivity, but grounded, calm truth.

Maybe you are in one of these scenarios, I have created some examples you may want to use

1. Our Relationship Is “OK,” But We’re Feeling Different

Use soft start-up and focus on feelings.
Example: "Lately I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected from us. I miss feeling close to you. Could we talk about it together?"

It invites connection, not defensiveness.

2. We Are Struggling And Unsure If It Can Work

Be honest but open-ended.
Example: "I’m finding things really hard between us right now. I don’t have all the answers, but I know we need to face this - together or maybe even apart."It shows seriousness without forcing premature decisions.

3. We Know We Want to Split

Be clear, firm, and compassionate.
Example: "I’ve thought long and hard about this. I believe it’s time for us to separate. I know this will be painful, and I want us to move through it respectfully."

It reduces false hope and prolonged suffering.

4. We’re Already Splitting

Set clear boundaries. Keep conversations short, focused, and practical.
Example: "Today, let’s focus just on agreeing the timeline for moving out. We can schedule another time to discuss finances."

It protects our energy and keeps progress steady when tensions are raw.

Even when we speak calmly and clearly, the other person might still react with blame, shutdown, or anger, especially if they’re not used to emotional honesty. That’s not a reflection of how well we communicated; it’s a reflection of their capacity (or current inability) to sit with discomfort.

Our job isn’t to manage their emotions, it’s to stay anchored in our own.

If the conversation spirals, we can pause and say, "This feels unproductive right now. Let’s come back to it when we’re both calmer."

Staying close to ourselves is hard, especially in moments of emotional intensity.

It’s easy to lose our footing when someone is angry with us, dismissing us, or making us doubt what we know. Many of us have spent years, even decades, putting others’ needs first, smoothing things over, avoiding conflict, or questioning our own instincts.

So yes, it’s hard. And it’s also essential.

Staying close to ourselves means staying attuned to what we feel, noticing when we’re slipping into old habits of appeasement or self-abandonment, and gently coming back. It means pausing to ask: “What do I know is true right now?”

We can’t control how the other person responds, but we can stay grounded in our values, our boundaries, and our self-respect. Whether we’re deciding to stay, to go, or to simply be honest, let it come from alignment, not fear.

That’s how self-trust is built.
Conversation by conversation.
Boundary by boundary.
Breath by breath.

Relationships rarely break in one big moment. They break in slow erosion through repeated disappointments, quiet heartbreaks, and the invisible weight of unmet needs.

Sometimes, they don’t just break, they bruise. They wound. They chip away at our confidence, our safety, our sense of self, long before we find the strength to say, enough.

In our work at Family Flow, we’ve walked alongside so many women who’ve tolerated coercion, emotional abuse, neglect, and control, not because they were weak, but in fact because their strength kept them going. And because that felt safer than the unknown.

At midlife, many of us stand at the bravest crossroads of our lives:
Worn out, but awake.
Weary, but wiser.
No longer willing to abandon ourselves for a version of happiness that never truly included us.

Wherever we are in the journey - uncertain, struggling, separating - our voices matter. Our needs matter. Our safety matters. We matter.

Communicating with honesty, compassion, and clear boundaries is how we honour our truth. And how we begin to rebuild whatever comes next, rooted in self-trust, not survival mode.

We are not failing. We are evolving.

At Family Flow, we don’t just understand this shift, we’ve lived it. And we now walk it alongside women every day.

We know how hard it is to express our needs, our dreams and our desires. And we know how hard it is to leave, not just a relationship, but a whole life we worked so hard to build.

We know the fear. The self-doubt. The deep, aching love for our children. And the worries about what this shift could do to them. The 3am spirals of second-guessing.

And we know this, too: It is possible to move from survival to strength. From silence to self-trust. We don’t have to walk it alone. Because we deserve a future where we are safe, free, and fully ourselves.

About Family Flow

At Family Flow, we offer:

• 1:1 divorce coaching for women at every stage — from ‘should I stay or go’ through to post-separation healing
• Bespoke co-parenting support and strategy
• Guidance through the legal and logistical process of separation
• A trauma-informed, emotionally literate space where women can rebuild their confidence and reclaim their voice
• Resources, tools and a community of like-minded women walking this path too
• Access to Divorce Surthrival — our online support group for women navigating separation, divorce, and everything in between

We believe in conscious separation, clear boundaries, and parenting from a place of calm strength, not crisis.

This work is deeply personal to us. We’ve lived it. And we’ve built Family Flow to make sure no woman has to walk this path alone.

Get in Touch

To learn more, explore resources, or book a free discovery call, visit us at www.familyflow.co.uk
You can also email us directly at: hello@familyflow.co.uk
Or follow along on Instagram: @familyflowuk