Your Game-Plan to Bring Sexy Back

“I used to want sex and enjoy it, but now it never crosses my mind. I feel like my partner is pestering me when he tries to initiate. I feel guilty always turning him down, but I’m just never in the mood.”

As a sex coach, I hear of this frustration a lot.

But the good news is, it is definitely possible to get a great sex life back, at any stage of your reproductive life. In fact, sex can get better than ever…

Read on to discover a combination of suggested treatments, new habits and inspiration for you to thrive sexually in perimenopause.

In perimenopause, so much in our lives is in flux. We may barely recognise ourselves, as our body shape changes, our energy levels fluctuate, our skin and hair texture change, our sleep becomes erratic and brain fog sets in.

Going beyond hormones

All of this can be very distressing, but for some women, a loss of the desire for sex can be the most upsetting symptom of all—and hormones are usually only part of a bigger picture.

Addressing falling hormone levels is only part of the picture. Libido is a ‘bio-psycho-social’ phenomenon—it’s shaped by our biology, psychology, and social factors, all working together.

How your mindset shapes your desire: The lifestyle foundations for a healthy libido

Before thinking about desire itself, it’s important to support your body. A strong foundation for libido includes:

• Restorative sleep – helps regulate hormones and energy levels.
• Hydration – supports overall health and maintains vaginal comfort.
• Nutrient intake – fuel your body, balance hormones, and support circulation.
• Minimising stress – reduces cortisol, which can suppress libido.

Shifting to a proactive mindset

Once your body is supported, it’s time to consider your mindset. Ask yourself:

Do you believe you are becoming ‘dried-up and past it’?

Or do you believe that sex can be a pleasurable part of every life stage?

The mind is a powerful thing. Your beliefs around desire can have a direct impact on how you experience libido. A shift in perspective can make all the difference.

These days, we’re lucky to have older role models embracing sexuality, like Gillian Anderson, whose book on female fantasies is a real eye-opener, and Helen Mirren, who openly discusses scheduling intimacy with her younger partner.

Educating ourselves about how arousal works is the next step. Did you know, for example, that we have two types of desire—spontaneous and responsive?

• Spontaneous desire is what we feel earlier on in a relationship, when we want to jump on our partner all the time. It happens automatically, without needing much external stimulation.
• Responsive desire is different. As a relationship gets longer and as we get older, we tend to move towards this type. Instead of feeling an immediate urge for sex, we need to be in a sexually appealing scenario before desire kicks in.

For example, you might think: “I never want sex, but when I go along with it for my partner’s sake, I end up really enjoying it. I say, ‘We should do this more often!’ But then it doesn’t cross my mind again”. That’s responsive desire in action—desire emerges in response to physical or emotional connection, rather than appearing out of nowhere.

We can also get curious about our desires, which may be coming to the fore for the first time. As our oestrogen levels decline, we care less about putting others first. 

I see many women in midlife saying:

“Sex has always been for somebody else’s pleasure… Now it’s time for it to be about me!”

They start exploring tantra, kink, sex parties... It can be a wonderful time of discovery.

Our physical sensitivities can change too. Don’t rely on the same old moves and techniques as used to work for you – enjoy exploring your body afresh.

For some women, the clitoris becomes less sensitive and needs more stimulation—whereas for others, it becomes more sensitive, making stimulation a matter of personal preference.

If, however, sex is painful due to vaginal and vulval dryness (declining oestrogen again), we are not going to want it.

Vaginal and vulval moisturisers can provide immediate relief from discomfort. Also, use a good quality lube any time you have any sexual play.

Let's wrap this up. Here is how you can bring sexy back…

• The simple things… A strong foundation is the only place to start. So ensure you are eating healthily, drinking enough water and getting enough sleep.
• Consider a comprehensive supplement such as Valerie to ensure you’re getting the nutrients you need. Learn more about Daily Essential Liposomal Shot.
• Work with responsive desire – don’t wait till you crave sex to start creating the environment conducive to it.
• Schedule time for intimate connection to stop more weeks rolling by without it.
• Look for sexy inspiration – Curating your own turn-ons from books, films, and audio to deepen intimacy; reflecting a personal selection of turn-ons and of positive self-perception. 
• Get advice for dryness — If you have vaginal or vulval dryness and discomfort see your medical provider or chemist for treatment (this will also help if you’re getting recurrent urinary tract infections).
• Use a good quality lube to make sexual play more comfortable.
• Explore new techniques and sensations – Don’t rely on the same moves. Try new things. Think about toys to discover what feels good, now.
• Evaluate whether HRT is right for you – HRT can support libido and vaginal health, but it’s not for everyone. Weigh up your options and seek expert advice. Learn more about HRT in this dedicated article.

Try to see perimenopause as an opportunity. You’re moving towards a life stage where sex will be purely about pleasure, not reproduction (but you’re not quite there yet so don’t forget to use contraception). That’s empowering!

Again and again, I hear women say they’re having the best sex of their lives in menopause and beyond. 

It may take a little planning and effort but it’s worth it. Sex is so good for us physically, mentally and emotionally, and so connecting in our relationships – it’s worth giving our libidos all the help we can to thrive.

Ruth Ramsay is an adult sex educator and coach, speaker and writer. Her 2023 TEDx talk  ‘Revamp Your Sex Life In Six Minutes’  has over 3 million views. She is the sex expert for the Postcards From Midlife podcast, and has written about sex and midlife for publications including The i newspaper. 

Find out more at www.ruthramsay.com

Many women struggle with changes to their self-image during perimenopause, feeling disconnected from the person they see in the mirror. Jo’s story explores this experience and the societal stigma surrounding it.