Beyond the Mirror - Reclaiming Your Identity In Perimenopause

Debs Daitani is a passionate advocate for midlife women navigating ADHD while pursuing entrepreneurship. Drawing from personal experience, she empowers women to reclaim their identity, regain confidence, and reignite purpose through coaching and mentoring.Debs is also a model and confidence catalyst, breaking barriers and promoting neurodiverse strategies for self-image confidence.

Perimenopause absolutely isn’t the end of the story, it’s simply the start of a new chapter. Yes, a tad cliché I know but - it's TRUE! I'm living proof, although at one stage I actually didn't want to be living any more. 

To quote Matt Haig: ‘I wanted to be dead. No. That's not quite right. I didn't want to be dead, I just didn't want to be alive.’ (Reasons to Stay Alive) 

I'm not about to get morbid on you but it's important for you to understand how low I had become, because without that, you may not fully appreciate how many worlds that place is away from where I am now. 

Unrecognisable to myself in the mirror. 

I had zero self worth, zero self respect and zero self ANYTHING! Yet here I am, at my MOST confident AND my least ‘in shape’ version. What I see reflected back at me now, is a strong woman with passion and purpose, who has survived the battle and is no longer afraid to be authentic and visible. 

I don't see the wobbly bits, the lines, the grey hairs… Yes, they're still there but they have such little importance now that I barely give them a second thought. They are simply not a reflection of ME, who I truly am. And if I can get ‘here’ then you most definitely can too, wherever ‘here’ is for you.

Perimenopause often sneaks up on us, as not only can it start much earlier in life than you might think, but we are still largely uneducated about what to expect. Our hormonal fluctuations can lead to typical symptoms such as mood swings, brain fog and changes in energy levels, but the emotional impact often hits the hardest. Loss of confidence, memory lapses, focus, enthusiasm and self-perception to name just a few. 

For many women, this phase also coincides with other life shifts: children growing up, changes in relationships, career transitions or even caregiving for ageing parents - the so-called ‘sandwich generation’. In addition, society has long overlooked women in midlife, celebrating youth while treating ageing as something to fight against - writing us off, as clearly we have no purpose after our child-bearing years! 

Cue ‘antiageing’ products, midlife actors being turned down for midlife roles as they're ‘too old’ and don't get me started on the ‘for her age’ tagline! So is it any wonder many of us feel invisible, shunned, pushed aside and less vibrant during this time? That our sense of ‘self’ has been obliterated?

What do YOU see? 

Do you even look? 

Two years ago, I was part of an article in the national press about women who hadn't looked in the mirror for a long time… It was a NUDE SHOOT! Very tasteful I hasten to add but also, possibly the most liberating and humbling experience I'd had to date. 

The other ladies IMO looked wayyyy better naked than me and I was definitely the largest lady circumference-wise. But it really opened my eyes as although I thought each of them was beautiful, they all had hang-ups about their mirror image. It's NORMAL and perfectly understandable given all the changes you've probably gone through to get to this stage of life. But your body has served you well, it's done its job and no matter what YOU think it looks like, I can almost guarantee no one else will see it that way. 

But the mirror isn't just showing your physical reflection… What you're also seeing is your lack of self-belief, self-worth and self-respect. And that's the secret! If you can work on those areas - you immediately improve your perception of your physical appearance. Notice I said perception… Of course, if your goal is to be healthier physically, then you have to take separate action on that! But you'll find even that gets easier once your mindset improves! 

A few ‘quick wins’ you can try right now to improve your relationship with your appearance - and the mirror: 

• Practicing daily gratitude for JUST ONE area of your body/image that you DO like. For me, it was my hair. Now - I'm grateful for the curves I once loathed! 
• Repeat a positive affirmation whilst looking into your own eyes. Perhaps ‘I am brave’, ‘I can do it’, ‘I am loved’ for example… 
• View your reflection as your best friend would view you! What can they see that you can't, or have forgotten about?

Whilst the two are obviously related, they are definitely not the same. Your appearance is exactly that - what you see, what others see, the hair, the face, the clothes etc. Your identity is much, much more. 

Those pesky societal expectations can massively impact your appearance and whilst I resolutely believe how you LOOK shouldn't have a bearing on anything, it is almost unavoidable. TV, magazines, movies, social media, fashion - creating unrealistic goals, immense pressure and most importantly, a complete lack of individuality. 

How you want to look is of course, entirely up to you but I wholeheartedly encourage you to embrace your natural self and let it shine! Regardless of the look, your identity comes from within. It's who you are at your core. Your beliefs, values, ethics, morals, emotions, intellect, character. THESE are the things we should be focusing on. The authentic you. And once you begin to share that with the world, everything changes (for the better!). You'll find you attract people more like you, opportunities that you'd never considered before and not least, a sense of calm! 

Trying to be what everyone else expects you to be is exhausting! But being you is, or at least should be, effortless! One huge benefit to midlife and beyond… You might find you really have no more f*cks to give! Yes, you'll still respect others opinions but - they'll no longer control and shape you!

Reframe 

Instead of seeing perimenopause as a loss, try reframing it as a transformation opportunity - a time to shed outdated roles and expectations to rediscover what truly lights you up. 

Ask yourself: Who am I beyond the labels of mother, partner, or professional? 

Reconnect 

It’s easy to feel betrayed by our bodies during perimenopause, but listening to and caring for your body can rebuild trust. Gentle movement like yoga, walking or even dance can help you feel grounded and present in your own skin. 

But equally, knowing when to rest and reset is just as beneficial! 

Try: Daily awareness exercises, dedicated ‘switch off’ times or spending more time on self-care and compassion. 

Confidence Catalyst 

Start each day with a catalyst to remind you of your worth. Wear THE dress, say NO to something, high-5 yourself in the mirror (yep it's the mirror again), set ONE goal to achieve that day, remind yourself of EVERYTHING you achieved yesterday! 

These seemingly small actions can have a BIG impact on self-belief over time.

Phone a Friend 

Not literally, well you can if you want to, but find a support network that aligns with your needs. Sadly, you are not alone in this midlife minefield, so get connected with other like-minded warriors and spread the load! 

Look for in-person events, online groups and retreats, maybe it IS your best friend - and if you're still struggling, I'm here for you! 

Connection and community are the most mentioned resources that my midlife peers tell me about - the things that have genuinely helped the most. 

Be Brave 

Midlife is the perfect time to try something new - whether it’s a hobby, a class or a bold career move. Giving yourself permission to explore can reignite your sense of identity and purpose. 

What childhood toys and dreams have you locked away? It's time to dig them out and bring them back to life! 

Yep, it can seem daunting, scary even, but if you can harness all those feelings and emotions you think are fear - and flip them into excitement, just think of the possibilities! 

Fear isn't real, there are many acronyms for it and I'm sure you've heard most, but you may not have heard mine… 

Forgive 

Embrace 

Acceptance 

Reclaim 

Everything changes with time, you are no exception, but now is the time to use those changes to your advantage.

Definitely not! Perimenopause may feel like a storm, but it’s also an opportunity to rebuild in ways that align with who you truly are. 

You are not invisible. 

You are not less. 

You are enough.

And if no one else has told you today… You ARE brave, you ARE bold, you ARE badass and I SEE YOU! 

For more empowerment, confidence and general badassness, you can follow me everywhere online @debsdaitani or check out my website www.daitani.co.uk for more of my journey and details of all the ways in which I'd be honoured to support you, whether it be coaching, mentoring, in-person retreats or online programs.

Perimenopause doesn’t define you, it’s a transformation, and you’re in control. Daily Essential is here to support you every step of the way. Packed with science-backed ingredients, it’s designed to clear the fog, boost your energy, and help you feel vibrant again.