Say Its Name: Let’s Talk About “P” Girlfriend…

Valerie joins forces with Sophia Cleverly, Midlife Women’s Coach and Mentor. Here, we get deep into how finally saying ‘perimenopause’ out loud could be the best thing you do for your best friend.

I am getting ready to run a “Perimenopause with Confidence” coaching session for the NHS, and my phone pings. It’s a message from the lovely Wizz, Co-founder of Valerie:

“Dear Sophia, do you think you could write something about how to approach the subject of perimenopause with your girlfriends? We’ve discovered lots of women are wondering how on earth to talk about the ‘P word’ with mates.”

If only you could see my face, it would have said it all. “YES” was what I exclaimed, shortly followed by… “Oh NO!”. Because why do so many of us wait and wonder whether we should broach this vital topic with our friends? And, when we think they are in denial or (not so blissful) midlife ignorance, what then?

This conversation matters

Your friend’s been snapping at her partner, losing her keys mid-sentence, horribly anxious about reading Topsy and Tim out loud to a group of 5-year-olds and cancelling dinner plans because she’s “just wiped out”. 

*Btw, that was me in my early 40s, and nobody said anything because none of us knew WTF was going on! 

So yeah, you know that look. You’ve worn that look.

You’re 87% sure she’s in perimenopause. But how do you say that out loud without her thinking you’ve just called her a hormonal mess and are diagnosing her, or worse, naming her an old hag?

But here’s the truth: talking about perimenopause openly won’t ruin your friendship. It might just deepen it.

Think of this piece as your guide to bringing it up with empathy (and maybe a bit of humour), so you can support each other through the weird and wonderful ride of perimenopause. All without losing the plot or the people you love.

I wish someone had lovingly spotted the signs in me and brought it up. Instead, the silence around the “P word” sadly cost me friendships. So believe me when I say that talking about it could be the saviour, not the nail in the Prosecco.

Even though nearly every woman goes through it, perimenopause is still wrapped in silence and stigma. Loads of us grew up never even hearing the word. Most of us Gen Xers had no clue we were entering the phase at all. And millennials (some of whom are now hitting 45) are possibly the first generation to actually know they are entering perimenopause as it starts.

When the symptoms kick in (usually with anxiety, unpredictable periods, low libido, sleepless nights, irritability, forgetfulness) it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one losing your grip. Add to that the fear of sounding dramatic, and it’s no wonder so many women just try to power through without support.

But here’s the thing: talking changes everything.

A study of over 2,000 women (1) found that 61% said simply talking about menopause was as beneficial to their mental health as medication. And yet, so many of us stay quiet.

Let’s change that.

I’ve had hundreds of conversations with women, both in my NHS practice and privately, who come to me at that “I’ve lost myself” stage. “I feel rubbish,” they say. They’re getting no answers. Maybe their blood tests are normal. Maybe they’ve mentioned perimenopause to their GP but got nowhere. Maybe they’ve been offered antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds, or they’re already on them. All while still trying to hold up the world with one hand (yep, it gets pretty hard doesn’t it?).

I can absolutely tell you that every single one of these women has felt relief when I actually listen, reflect back and validate what they’re saying. Then we talk about perimenopause and start making sense of the symptoms they’ve been battling with. The relief is palpable. And more often than not, they say:

“Thank you. I’m not going crazy.”

That’s step one.

So, if you’re thinking of bringing it up with a friend, the most important thing is your intention. You’re not diagnosing her or telling her how she feels. You’re offering solidarity, not solutions. You’re listening. Validating, being there.

If she hasn’t opened up to you yet, but it’s glaringly obvious she’s struggling, and you’re looking for a gentle way in… try this:

Start by sharing your own experience.

You could say something like: “I’d been feeling off for months—low energy, anxious, no clue what was going on. Turned out it was perimenopause. I had no idea it could start this early.”

That’s often all it takes. You’re not pointing out her symptoms. You’re holding out a hand.

Then stop talking and let her come to you. Don’t push it, just wait.

And be prepared for the results. Even a short chat (2) can make a massive difference. Research shows that just eight minutes of talking with a friend can lower stress and boost emotional wellbeing.

Conversation starters that don’t feel weird

Still wondering how to bring it up? Here are a few gentle, non-awkward ways to start the convo:

• “I’ve been learning so much about perimenopause lately—I had no idea it could start in your late 30s or early 40s. Have you ever looked into it?”
  
• “You mentioned your sleep’s been rough—same here. For me, it turned out to be hormones. I was shocked.”
  
• “I cried at a cereal ad yesterday and forgot what I was saying mid-sentence. Welcome to my perimenopause era! Have you ever had something like this?”
  
• “Can I share something that’s helped me lately? I only say it because you remind me of how I felt last year.”
  

These aren’t lectures but openings. Just little cracks in the door for her to walk through when she’s ready.

Why we hold back and why it’s worth pushing through

We hold back because we don’t want to be “too much.” Because society trained us to keep it together, to be agreeable, to not make a fuss. But all that holding back? It leads to burnout, loneliness and disconnection.

Here’s one quote that can really shift perspectives, straight from Michelle Obama: “Clear is kind.” Louder for the people pleasers at the back. If that’s you, I see you. It was me too, until I practised actually saying the thing out loud.

Because when we speak honestly, something powerful happens:

• We feel less alone
  
• We build trust
  
• We give our friends permission to show up fully, too

And the science backs it up(3) (4):

• Women who feel socially supported report fewer menopause symptoms, both physical and emotional
  
• Even short chats reduce cortisol, lift your mood and lower anxiety
  
• Women with strong social ties are 50% more likely to live longer and are far less likely to develop chronic conditions 

So no, speaking up isn’t “too much.” It’s medicine.

And beyond individual friendships, there are whole communities designed to support women in midlife:

• Listening partnerships: Regular check-ins where you take turns simply listening without advice or fixing. If you want to learn about this, give me a shout and I can explain more.
• Menopause cafés and workplace initiatives: Safe spaces to learn, laugh, and feel less alone. I run one in Streatley, Oxfordshire. Or Menopause Cafe runs free events internationally.
• Online communities: Where women talk about menopause openly, no filters, no judgment. Valerie’s community (link here) is a great example, or my Embrace course 

She might brush it off. Or laugh. Or change the subject. That’s okay.

You’ve planted a seed. Believe in the power of “being with” and “walking alongside”, just like we do in coaching.

Try something like:

“Totally get it—I wasn’t ready at first either. Just wanted to mention it in case it helps later.”

It’s not about fixing her. It’s about showing her that the conversation is open when she’s ready.

Strength in sharing – it’s not just about her, or you!

Talking about perimenopause isn’t just being a good mate, it is actually pretty revolutionary. When we speak up, we:

• Break the silence
  
• Dismantle shame
  
• Help others find their way faster
  

In that same study of 2,000 women, 37% said talking openly led to real support, and 14% even formed new friendships because of it.

What starts as one honest moment can ripple outward. I have so many stories of solidarity to tell you, and you probably have your own!

Not quite got into the peri chat yet? That’s ok. That’s why we created the Valerie community, the Meno Café and the other spaces we mentioned earlier. A soft place to land when you’re ready. We built them for women like us and for the versions of ourselves who didn’t have what we needed back then. That, to us, is what healing really looks like!

Let it be a beginning, not a lecture

You don’t need to rehearse it or use perfect words. You just need empathy and the willingness to take a stand for your friend and her wellbeing. That’s called compassion, and best of all, it’s free!

This isn’t a diagnosis, it’s purely an invitation to connect. To say, “You’re not crazy, and you’re definitely not alone.” “I am here for you.”

I realise now why Wizz invited me to write this blog, even though it felt a bit perplexing at first. It’s because I was that friend who had nobody. The one you’re wondering, “shall I, shan’t I bring it up with her?”

I can tell you now, I would have been so grateful if someone had just got over the awkwardness, loved me enough to say something, and invited me out for a walk and a cuppa. I probably would’ve burst into tears on your shoulder.

How beautiful is it that we get to give back to former versions of ourselves by showing up for each other now?

Sisters, we are doing this for all of us. Let’s say the word: perimenopause. It’s not a sh*tty word. It might just be the lifeline that carries someone from anxious and in the dark to feeling seen and supported.

And don’t forget that you are a brilliant friend.

Let’s stay connected

If this resonated with you and you’d like more encouragement, insights, and real talk about midlife, hormones, and everything in between:

• Visit my website
• Instagram: @sophiacleverly
• LinkedIn: Sophia Cleverly

Join my weekly ‘Love Letters’ community: a gentle reminder that you’re not alone, and that midlife can be powerful, connected, and full of energy.

Perimenopause doesn’t define you, it’s a transformation, and you’re in control. Daily Essential is here to support you every step of the way. Packed with science-backed ingredients, it’s designed to clear the fog, boost your energy, and help you feel vibrant again.