Why You’re Depleted, Frazzled, and F*cked Off — and Why Being “Selfish” Might Save You
By Valerie |
What perimenopause, people-pleasing, and decades of conditioning are really doing to women — and how we start taking our power back.
A conversation with Wizz Selvey and Suzy Reading
If you’re in your late 30s or 40s and feel exhausted, resentful, invisible, and oddly unlike yourself, you’re not imagining it — and you’re definitely not broken.
In a recent Peri Panel I sat down with Suzy Reading, chartered psychologist and one of the UK’s leading voices on self-care and self-advocacy, to talk about why so many women reach midlife feeling utterly depleted — and why learning to be “selfish” might be the most radical (and necessary) thing we can do.
Spoiler: selfishness is not the problem.
Self-abandonment is.
The Midlife Crash No One Warned Us About
Across conversations with women navigating perimenopause, a familiar pattern keeps showing up:
- Bone-deep exhaustion
- Resentment that feels uncomfortable to admit
- A quiet loss of confidence
- Feeling unseen in relationships
- A sense of “Why can’t I cope like I used to?”
According to Suzy, this isn’t just hormonal — it’s deeply psychological and cultural.
“We’ve been conditioned to believe that to be a good human being, we must be selfless, self-sufficient, and resilient — and never selfish.”
Put simply, women are taught that:
- Our worth comes from how well we serve others
- We shouldn’t burden people with our needs
- Struggling means we’re failing
- Asking for help is weakness
Then perimenopause hits — and the system collapses.
Perimenopause: The Perfect Storm
Perimenopause doesn’t create the problem — it exposes it.
Hormonal changes affect:
- Sleep
- Mood
- Memory and focus
- Pain and inflammation
- Energy levels
At the same time, many women are:
- Raising children or supporting teens
- Caring for ageing parents
- Running businesses or holding senior roles
- Trying to stay connected in relationships
And the coping tools that once helped?
- Coffee suddenly causes anxiety
- Alcohol no longer helps you unwind
- “Pushing through” stops working
“The needs are now exceeding the resources — but instead of questioning the system, we blame ourselves.”
Why We Blame Ourselves
Many women say:“I used to cope — why can’t I now?”
Suzy’s answer is simple and powerful:
“What you’re being asked to do is humanly impossible.”
The inability to function like a superhero isn’t a personal failure — it’s biology, nervous system overload, and decades of conditioning colliding at once.
The Problem With the Word “Selfish”
Selfish is one of the most loaded words women carry.
Not because it’s bad — but because selflessness is revered.
Historically, being seen as selfish threatened survival and belonging. That fear still lives in our nervous systems. Add to that how we’re raised:
- A “good baby” doesn’t cry
- A “good child” doesn’t talk back
- A “good woman” doesn’t have needs
No wonder advocating for ourselves feels shameful.
The Cost of Putting Yourself Last
Constant self-abandonment doesn’t just affect wellbeing — it damages relationships.
- Burnout
- Anxiety and depression
- Emotional numbness
- Resentment
- Disconnection
“If we never share our feelings or needs, how can anyone ever truly know us?”
Selflessness doesn’t create closeness — authenticity does.
The 7 Steps to Taking Back Peace and Power
In her book How to Be Selfish, Suzy outlines seven interconnected steps — not as a checklist, but as lifelong skills:
- Get your mind on side – question beliefs that equate worth with sacrifice
- Reclaim your senses – come out of stress and back into the body
- Reclaim your body – learn to soothe and feel safe
- Take back your right to feel – all emotions are valid
- Reclaim your moral compass – define what a good life means for you
- Set boundaries with yourself – prioritisation is not selfish
- Advocate for yourself – with clarity and compassion
You don’t need to master them all — you just need to begin.
A Simple Practice That Changes Everything
Suzy shared a deceptively simple ritual that brings these steps to life.
Every time you drink water:
- Place one hand on your heart
- Take a sip slowly, noticing sensation
- Ask:
- Where am I at right now?
- What do I need?
That’s it.
This builds:
- Self-awareness
- Nervous system safety
- Self-compassion
- The ability to name needs
“We can’t advocate for needs we’re not even aware of.”
Asking for Help Isn’t Taking — It’s Giving
Many women struggle to receive support, even when they know they need it.
But here’s the reframe that changes everything:
“By refusing help, we deprive others of the joy of giving.”
Reciprocity is essential for healthy relationships — and allowing others to care for you makes them feel trusted, valued, and needed.
What About the Guilt?
Good news: you don’t need to get rid of guilt.
Guilt is just a messenger — not a verdict.
If an action aligns with your values, do it even if guilt comes along for the ride.
“Don’t wait to feel worthy before taking care of yourself.
The feeling of worth comes after the nourishing action.”
This Isn’t About Becoming Less Kind
This work isn’t for women who are selfish.
It’s for women who couldn’t be selfish if they tried.
You don’t need to give up generosity, love, or care — you just need to include yourself.
Perimenopause isn’t just a hormonal transition.
It’s an invitation to stop abandoning yourself.
And honestly?
That might be the most powerful thing you ever do.