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Sophia Cleverly is a certified coach and wellbeing mentor specialising in helping women 40+ navigate life changes, reduce overwhelm, and step into their power. With over 25 years of experience in leadership, media production, coaching, and wellbeing mentorship, Sophia blends neuroscientific inquiry, mindfulness, and somatic practices to create bespoke offerings that empower women and communities.

Perimenopause can signal a new, more purposeful phase of life, but it can also feel like an invasion of the body - and mind-snatchers.

I get it. I’m 51 and still waiting for that “second spring” everyone talks about—while trying not to be too cross about, well, everything!

Feel like you’ve had a character change recently? Like you’re pirouetting into Wonder Woman but staring at the Hulk in the mirror? Teetering on the edge of meno rage? You’re not alone.

Understanding Perimenopause and Anger

Anger is a healthy emotion, yet women are often socialised to suppress it, fearing the “hysterical” label—a term only removed as a medical diagnosis in the 1980s. This stigma means many of us stay silent about the anger that can accompany perimenopause. But you’re not alone, and there’s so much you can do.

You’re in good company:

Up to 70% of women report anger-related symptoms during perimenopause, including irritability, tension, overwhelm, and even uncontrollable outbursts. These emotional shifts can come with physical symptoms like palpitations, headaches, muscle tension, sleeplessness, and more, often impacting self-esteem and relationships.

Why is this happening?

Hormonal fluctuations during perimenopause wreak havoc on our emotions:

  • Oestrogen Decline: Impacts serotonin and dopamine levels, leading to irritability and mood swings.
  • Progesterone Decline: Known for its calming effects, its reduction heightens anxiety and anger.
  • Testosterone Decline: Contributes to fatigue and irritability, intensifying emotional responses.

Knowing this can help you feel less isolated—it’s not just you; it’s your hormones.

Other factors to consider:

The primula effect

Feeling thinly spread between work, home life, ageing parents, social commitments and other responsibilities? Less able to cope than you feel you “should” or did? Everything getting to you? Absolutely exhausted? It is one of nature’s and our modern world’s cruel alliances that we are less well-resourced when we could do with all our batteries being supercharged 24/7. It’s no wonder you are irritable and feel you might explode if you don’t do something about it.

Not Feeling Like Myself Syndrome

NFLM syndrome refers to the profound sense of disconnection or unfamiliarity with oneself, often linked to hormonal and identity-related shifts during perimenopause. Most women I work with and I, myself, can relate to this feeling.

The combined depletion we can feel in vital energy and cognitive sharpness alongside changes in one’s body like weight gain, hot flushes and other metabolic factors, alongside challenges like sleep disturbances and lowered resilience can make women feel like they’ve "lost themselves," further intensifying emotional reactivity.

Beauty is in the eye of the…

To top it all off, we can feel like we ought to be, well, look … better. We compare ourselves not only to others but also to the younger versions of ourselves. We can grieve that younger, more youthful skin and hair – and waistline… and also our lust for life. In the words of Zoolander… “Who am I”?

Teenagers and Queenagers

“Puberty in reverse” is how the Perimenopause to Menopause journey has been described rather brilliantly.

Whether you have kids or not, you will have been a teenager at some point yourself. Remember? What were you like then? Did you have the opportunity to express healthy anger then? Many of our attitudes towards ourselves can be re-evaluated in this new phase, with the benefit of time and age! Yes, there are gifts!

If you did suffer trauma as a teenager, this may come up (for healing) – and the grief and rage may be bubbling below the surface very uncomfortably and rearing up as anger. Please check out the “help” section below if this is the case.

We are having children later in life, so many of us will be mothering pre-teens, teens and launching young adults into the world. None of this is plain sailing – at the same time as we are experiencing our own upheaval.

SOS

Some helpful guidance to manage anger, anxiety and your emotions in general

Get curious: Become your own Jessica Fletcher (Murder She Wrote) 

Identify your main stressors and areas where you can gain control. 

Keep a journal of your symptoms alongside your cycle if you have one or with the cycle of the moon if you don’t. 

Anger is protective. Beneath it there will be other layers of emotions… try a feelings wheel to explore further.

What does this anger want for you? 

Write a letter to it & write a letter from your anger to you.

What are your options to support your hormones?

HRT is recommended by NICE as a first-line and proven treatment for menopause symptoms.  Your GP is a good place to begin – ask your surgery if there is a menopause specialist and go prepared to state your symptoms and any record of menstrual cycle details you have. Check out our guide from Becks our perimenopasue expert on how to approach an appointment 

Alternative therapies and supplements for example Valerie

HRT will not be right for everyone. You can get through perimenopause without HRT but you will struggle if you do not make any lifestyle changes. Also, it feels empowering to make positive change – you are NOT a victim (although the challenges can make you feel that way). 

What is one conversation you can have to support you?

Self Expression

Rage on the Page – write it all out then chuck it away or rip it up, do not reread and reread. Find a creative way to channel feelings – paint, sing, cook, or anything that you enjoy. What did you love doing as a child? Young adult? 

Find a way to express your emotions through your body and sweat it out – dance to thrash metal in your kitchen, punch a pillow, take up kickboxing, go swimming? 

If work is being affected and affecting you – speak to your manager. If you need support with this, you can speak to HR or occupational health. We can’t underestimate how difficult this can be for women. It shouldn’t be – and hopefully the good work we are all doing will change things for the better in time. For now, take it one day at a time and get support if you are struggling. A coach can help. There are helpful resources at Menopause Mandate Website.

How are you finding healthy ways to express your emotions?

Boundaries

Most of us just don’t have the same amount of energy, chi, vitality, vava voom we used to. This means we need to prioritise smarter, hone in on what really matters and get clear with those around us about our needs.

This is a way to reduce your stressors. Try on the principle “clear is kind” (Thank you Michelle Obama)

Where can you get clearer on your boundaries in your life? 

Lifestyle 

Hydrate, drink less alcohol or eliminate, reduce caffeine and manage your blood sugar levels by eating more protein, more omega 3s and at least 30 fresh foods and wholefoods per week. Get a really good sleep routine honed.

What can you commit to you can make that will have an impact on your wellbeing? 

Manage Stress 

CBT can help as can other forms of counselling and therapy. It is important to identify where you need support so you find the best therapist for your needs. A qualified coach can help you identify what you need and what is important to you. 

Mindfulness and breathwork, yoga, pilates, walking in nature, listening to music, exercise… set time aside each day for you.

What will life look like when you manage your stress better?

What steps can you take today towards that vision?

A final note

Finally, I have seen the transformative and absolutely free to one and all effects of self-compassion in myself and my clients

Please please – how can you be less of a b!tch and a better friend to yourself?

You are not alone, you are not just your symptoms and you can feel better.

And if nobody has told you yet today, let me tell you that I believe in you and I believe in the power that you have to manage this like you do so much else in your life – and thrive! 

Don’t struggle alone, do what you can to support yourself one day at a time don’t “leave it for another day” and reach out for help  – your power is in the present moment.

Carpe Diem!

Love Sophia

Where to find further help if you have had trauma

If you have had trauma in your past this might be resurfacing. Please find support.

If you suffer or have suffered from other mental health conditions, perimenopause can exacerbate them. Please speak to your GP and a qualified clinician.

Try BACP for registered therapists. For relationship support try Relate. You can always call 111 option 2 in the UK if you are worried about your mental health 24/7.